Whatever, dude. Whatever.

Useful Duck brims with witty comments for his blog.
"Oh, help me, woe is me!" whines Useless Duck. "I hope someone will send me material for my blog!"

(snarky sanjay, via the comments)


I'm just waiting on a friend

The queue is empty.

Remember, this is submission driven content:
Submit ducks or this site will never update ever again.

And maybe that's a good thing.
...But won't you miss it?

Don't you miss me?


Be The Winner, Not The Weiner.

Useful Duck is, for good reason, one of the most beloved staff members at the happy happy zoo.
Useless Duck is only allowed to keep pet rocks since the SPCA was called to deal with a "spider plant abuse situation".


New Ducks Monday.
Keep sending suggestions because the queue is LOW!

(where LOW is my happy word for empty!!)


Prolonging the Agony

(Oh, one more before the winner.)

Useful Duck is proud to show his mother how he came home from market
with a new milk cow WITHOUT spending a farthing;

Useless Duck can't wait to show his mother the trick with the magic beans.



A perfectionist I ain't

but...I am pretty good about responding to criticism when I eventually find the time to do so.

Winner tomorrow?

To be continued


So much fuss over a letter...

Number 2!

Useful Duck's latest artwork elicits gasps and stares of awe.
So did Useless Duck's...so the city had to call Useful Tern with his Sandblaster.


Welcome to the top 3 from our little contest

Useful Duck is filling in for Useless Duck today.
Amazing how UselessDuck's birthday is always rescheduled to a Monday.


Noticing Torpedo Boobs and/or illogical behavior--> Comments Galore.

A submission that is topical elsewhere and has consequently been handled with alacrity
(but I love reading the althouse too!)

seful Duck can take data all night while reading the posts of the day at her favorite, millions-reaching, blog about

what one can't throw away,
important and sad passings, the evils of spinach,
contemporary feminist bloggers being captured fawning over not-so-feminist ex-presidents whilst iconically posed,

and the surprising loveliness of the Madison regional area.

Useless Duck never heard of this blog before today;
was likely pointed this way by the owner of said contemporary feminist blog;
is there, is stupid-angry, is commenting, and is missing the point.



Sorry about the inconsistant updatery.
Useful Duck will do some kicking ass and taking names until Monday.
(Useless Duck will be hanging around at the CDA trying to get back his will to be publicly Ducktacular.)
Here is a picture I've stolen from Mariam:

Useful Duck's great^n grandfather was probably not a dinosaur with a mortarboard, but I can dream.


I spent my entire BART wait giggling at the concept of "Suspicious Packages"

Contenders continued:

Useful Duck wouldn't dream about leaving his bag unattended.
Useless Duck reports all drag-queens to TSA-Agents.



I could have done better

and maybe this isn't in the best of taste...

Useful Duck is inspired by a crusading and entertaining TV personality
to dedicate his life to protecting wildlife and braving the unknown.
Useless Duck is inspired by a crusading and entertaining TV personality
to dangle infants near large, brainless carnivores.


I said "FISH!" and he said "...try 'moth'." It was very confusing.

Not really that good, but certainly a quick set of ducks:

Useful Duck is a good reminder of what a duck should look like.
Useless Duck is of no help to people with mild to severe cases of semantic dementia.

(by Fash+4ward)


Poor Ms Macabee. Can't keep a man. In her basement.

Contenders Continued:

Useful Duck cleans old Ms. Macabee's guttering.

Useless Duck throws your frisbee on Ms. Macabee's roof.



Something before Seven point Five hours of SoulCrushing "Team Building"

Useful Duck keeps 1 cent stamps in case you need one.
Useless Duck set up a spam server.


Friday Never Hesitates

Another Contender:

Useful Duck always leaves things better than the way he found them.

Useless Duck hid your remote in the couch.



Standing on the Edge of Summer


Useful Duck's old vaudeville act was once so well loved such that he has become something of a historical footnote.
Uselesss Duck heard he died after eating PopRocks while drinking a Coke.



Blinded...with Science!

"Also Ran"s continued.

Useful Duck approximates pi^2 = 10.
Useless Duck pipettes by mouth*.

(thanks Ankur)

*without knowing how to do it safely. Unlike the old-school cowboy chemists.


The Contest will be decided at the end of the Day, PST.

Begin the "Also Ran"s:

Useful Duck finds solace in religion for the world's ills.
Useless Duck got ordained online by "The Church of Love".


A holiday for the rest of us. (Part IV)

In honor of the holiday, we are again skimping on the duckage.

(Useful Duck is bringing the aluminum pole to your house. Useless Duck is on tinsel patrol.)

However, I did remember what is perhaps the best thing ever written about sloths the other day.

I've put it in the comments so as do diminish flow disruption.

I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!


Hey you gu-uys! (Part III)

Useful Duck is off chillaxing with Cardinal Sloth-doubleprime*
Yes, I beat dead horses. No, I am not so good at taking the long weekend off from the business of Duck doodling.

Continue to send in content for Tuesday's contest for best entry.
It's possible that you don't understand who Cardinal Sloth-doubleprime is
...unless you did first read the previous 2. And maybe the sidebar links.
if you don't remember who Lotney Fratelli is, you might not have gotten this.


Shh, I know, it's only in my head.

Useful Duck is "hanging around" elsewhere (behind Cardinal Sloth-prime* here)
Still probably taking the long weekend off from the business of Duck doodling. (<--Ohman, that looks kind of dirty!)

Continue to send in content for Tuesday's contest for best entry.
It's possible that you don't understand who Cardinal Sloth-prime is unless you read yesterday's entry. Scroll down a little.
You might still not understand. And that's okay too.


*Resist urge to make "entry" jokes.*

Useful Duck is taking a bit of a siesta (behind Cardinal Sloth here).
Maybe even taking the long weekend off from the business of Duck doodling.

Send in content for Tuesday: we'll have a contest for best entry.

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