20060904

A holiday for the rest of us. (Part IV)

In honor of the holiday, we are again skimping on the duckage.

(Useful Duck is bringing the aluminum pole to your house. Useless Duck is on tinsel patrol.)

However, I did remember what is perhaps the best thing ever written about sloths the other day.

I've put it in the comments so as do diminish flow disruption.

I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!




Comments:
(Technically it is from an email from toothpaste for dinner from last November, but I just found it again the other day.)

I think sloths are too slow to really be dangerous. but who knows? maybe if they are frightened or they think you have a secret stash of forest leaves and you're holding out on them, they will attack. but i kind of doubt it. sloths are basically designed for humans to look at. look at their mouths! they are always smiling! now, i am not going to get into any kind of "origin of the universe" argument here, but let me just say that maybe sloths have smiles because some omnipotent being put em on their faces, or that maybe they have them because if they weren't always smiling and had such a good attitude, that they'd get torn apart by other animals, all like "SLOTH, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!" or "COME ON SLOTH ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THE FOREST LEAVES YET?"

the thing is, sloths have a very very slow metabolism, comparable to a human's after reaching age 30. no! that's a joke! it's even slower. this is cause if they digested leaves any faster, the toxins in the leaves would harm them. my dogs, of course, do not understand that. i do not believe in "intelligent design" because the world was quite obviously not intelligently designed. no matter how old or smart my dogs get i bet they will be eating rotten garden vegetables and leaves and puking them out in the living room until they are old. when they get old they will probably make me go out into the yard and get crap for them to eat, so they don't have to walk out there, and can just chew it up and puke it up right in the living room where it's climate-controlled and there is plenty of furniture to ruin with puke.

i am going to try not to gross you out too badly here but come on, this is the internet. if you can't read a little bit about the byproducts of digestion you should be getting some work done right now. so the thing with sloths is that it takes a month for food to move through their digestive tract. i find this amazing and it must be a real irritating thing to sloths. they are hanging out in the forest and suddenly have a horrible burning poop and they slap their neckface and go "OH CRAP i should not have had that chili back in october, what a mistake."

the good part about sloths is that they are closely related to anteaters, so on the holidays they all get together and the sloths are like, hey, free ants. a month later they are crapping out ants and going

"OH GOD THOSE WERE FIRE ANTS".
 
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