A July's Worth of Useless Ducks

"Useless Ducks" was a project that began July 2006 and was shamefully abandoned by the end of 2006 (in order to work on somewhat more important things). Arguably the first month's content was the best of all, with the exception of the weird couple days obsessed with sloth sometime around labor day.

Here it is, again.

Useful Duck gets called "Sugar Tits" while just trying to do his job.
Useless Duck reads about it in "People".
(Via Sanjay)

Useful Duck gets a fire started and gets fish for his tribe.
Useless Duck was just included because he looks hot in a bikini.
(Thanks TheTribeHasSpoken)

Useful Duck campaigns for women's health issues.
Useless Duck has a "Free Breast Exams" hat.
(By SeriouslyYouGuys)

Useful Duck brings your slippers.
Useless Duck swallowed your paper.
(By ThatHappenedOnce!)

Useful Duck gives you helpful directions.
Useless Duck plays in traffic.
(via Corncakes)

Useful Duck shuts his beak while you design coversheets for your TPS reports.
Useless Duck 'kills the joe without making some mo'.
(via ClutchJunior)

Useful Duck promptly returns email.
Useless Duck takes up precious bandwidth watching fetish films.
(chizzizzzle is a sick sick man.)

Useful Duck employs his unlimited and farsighted intellect with the all important task of advancing understanding of the most important and critical pillars of scientific and technological advancement.
Useless Duck runs stop signs in front of police stations.
(Via Release and Charlotte)

Useful Duck always weighs the pros and cons.
Useless Duck tells time with a barometer.
(By the order of StopStalin)

Useful Duck limits his intake of LDLs.
Useless Duck broke the lamp trying to eat light.
(Thanks to 3Fecta)

Useful Duck reads Sun Tzu in the original Chinese.
Useless Duck surrendered to France.
(By way of ChopSticky)

Useful Duck plays checkers with the elderly.
Useless Duck loses at Clue against Alzheimer's patients.
(and this just in from Xanadon't)

Useful Duck brings a second umbrella for his date.
Useless Duck TiVos the weather channel.
(Fresh from the presses of Maid4TeeVee)

When Useful Duck mops the floor, you can eat off it.
When Useless Duck does the laundry, your underwear turns grey.
(from JBamberIsNotGay)

Useful Duck marks up his screenplay to include Robert Altman's criticisms.
Useless Duck has stolen set pieces from multiple Farelly brothers movies.
(Via Please.at.least.refer.to.three.movies)

Useful Duck's architecture firm engineers the aesthetic of quaint downtowns, particularly ones full of play areas and green spaces, within very short and easy walks of pleasant and energy-efficient homes.
Useless Duck is a 'barista' at a Starbucks in just such a town.
(from AaronCmakesTurdSandwichlooklikeaTalkingDouche)

Useful Duck 's souffle rises in a perfect crown.
Useless Duck forgot to add the frozen peas to the Ramen.
(Via BerzerkeleyFoodie)

Useful Duck loves America.
Useless Duck injects Floyd Landis with dope.
(by way of Chaknuckles)

Useful Duck checks the oil level whenever he fills the tank.
Useless Duck locked himself out with the engine running again.
(For 2White2BHip)

Useful Duck just renewed his CPR license.
Useless Duck just got rejected at yet another reality show.
(From the email of K.A.S)

Useful Duck appreciates Bartok's strange tonality, but can "duck walk" with Chuck Berry.
Oops, Useless Duck did it again!
(By way of JazzDaddy)

Useful Duck home-runs or runs home.
Useless Duck hits'em right back at the pitcher.
(Submitted by senoritasorrysack)

Useful Duck always has le mot juste.
Useless Duck comes up with a zinger 3 days later but is too chicken to hit 'Send'.
(Thanks to Sanjay)

Useful Duck complies with OSHA regulations.
Useless Duck thinks Anime is child-friendly.
(From the desk of The Quantum Hedgehog)

Useful Duck helps with yard work.
Useless Duck eats all your easter candy.
(By way of Sellon)

Useful Duck teaches little ducklings not to drink alcohol.
Useless Duck just pissed his feathers.
(By way of DuckAfficionado)

Useful Duck can make a creme brulee.
Useless Duck paints himself into corners.
(by way of TiarFruck)

Useful Duck Buys his spouse flowers.
Useless Duck forgot the safe word.
(by way of LipsNHips47)

Useful Duck eats munchkins out of the hands of toddlers.
Useless Duck attacks puppies being walked.
(By way of Asheen)

Useful Duck bought you Poison tickets.
Useless Duck forgot the anti-venom.
(Courtesy of Dr_Hyde)

Useful Duck put fresh batteries in the remote.
Useless Duck unplugged Grandma's respirator.
(Demanded by LazySnoozan)

Useful Duck minds his Ps&Qs.
Useless Duck just puked in your fridge.
(courtesy ScottD)

Useful Duck writes his congressman about policy.
Useless Duck teaches haemophiliacs to shave.
(by suggestion of GwarTheWin)

Useful Duck makes a mean cup of coffee.
Useless Duck is incapable of taking dictation.
(courtesy AtticusFinch)

Useful Duck eats things that will make him delicious.
Useless Duck is afraid of drowning.
(a suggestion of Dirty Dan and Giggles)

Useful Duck does tricks for food.
Useless Duck isn't hungry, but will poop everywhere.
(a suggestion of puppykicker007)

Useful Duck will help you with your taxes.
Useless Duck left your baby in the car.
(by request for Jailbait2006)

Useful Duck teaches orphans how to read.
Useless Duck can't even catch.
(a suggestion of RDL)


Suddenly I See.

The worst thing I've ever noticed. Also, nut free.


I meant to have these done before now

Keeps abreast of pop-culture to be capable of small talk beyond inanities of weather and health. Keeps a breast in a bag just in case someone asks him to feed her baby.

Useful Duck is a courteous and prompt bus driver.
Useless Duck hits or hits on old lady passengers.

Useful Duck can turn a few balloons into a 19th century carousel.
Useless Duck was banned from all kids' parties after what became known as 'The Unfortunate Poodle Incident'.

Useful Duck is making sexual advances towards his underage Congressional Page, Useless Duck, over the Internet. If Useless Duck doesn't keep his mouth shut and play along, then the terrorists have won.

Intentions are useless.
Images forthcoming.


Why the muscles in my hands are all tight.

(Oh, come now, don't just assume I'd be crass)

Subsidiary projects get in the way of so many things.
Consider this an ocular suppository of "cute".

Ack, my eyes! Zee goggles do nothing!
(All references to tentacle porn shall be swiftly ignored.)


The Hamster is Not Dead

Just resting.

Keep sending stuff,
it'll go up likely in early November when the act gets back together.

Check out this monkey if you want to see a real consistant poster.


I once possessed a Whoopie ...cushion.

Useful Duck visits friends even after death through a medium.
Useless Duck can't even pick up the phone!

(Sorry, B.E.K)


Back from a little break for a little while.

Useful Duck covers his mouth when he coughs.
Useless Duck avenges his cousins, the spotted owls, by spreading Bird Flu.

(Don't vector your illnesses to me, kids)


Whatever, dude. Whatever.

Useful Duck brims with witty comments for his blog.
"Oh, help me, woe is me!" whines Useless Duck. "I hope someone will send me material for my blog!"

(snarky sanjay, via the comments)


I'm just waiting on a friend

The queue is empty.

Remember, this is submission driven content:
Submit ducks or this site will never update ever again.

And maybe that's a good thing.
...But won't you miss it?

Don't you miss me?


Be The Winner, Not The Weiner.

Useful Duck is, for good reason, one of the most beloved staff members at the happy happy zoo.
Useless Duck is only allowed to keep pet rocks since the SPCA was called to deal with a "spider plant abuse situation".


New Ducks Monday.
Keep sending suggestions because the queue is LOW!

(where LOW is my happy word for empty!!)

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