80085! HAHAHA

Useful Duck protests (outside Free Speech Zones) against stolen US elections.
Useless Duck votes by text message for the next American Idol.



I said, "Brr..., it's cold in here..."

Useless Duck's office is too cold for him to type responses to the reviews of his paper on supersymmetric string theory.
Useful Duck to will fix the heating post-haste.



"Not I," said the doodling TV Addict.

"Who will help me sow the wheat, reap the wheat, mill the grain,
knead the dough, and bake the bread?" asked Useful Duck.

"Not I!" said the secretary bird.
"Not I!" said the bonobo.
"Not I!" said the pangolin.
"Is that a 'good carb' or a 'bad carb'?" said Useless Duck.



24 Hour Party People believe in Happy Mondays. And vice versa.

Useful Duck's team can build a four-story, four star hotel in five days!
Fortunately, Useless Duck, the contractor, can keep them employed on site at least two months
--- and that's without help from inspector Useless Grebe, who issues permits for the city.

(ClickforAwesomeODetail, UselessGrebeFan!)

I wait all week to say sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

You can use Useful Duck's beak to open beer bottles.
Useless Duck isn't even confortable to sit on.



Feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday Night

Useful Duck donates to worthy causes.
Useless Duck buys 40's for the homeless.

("LiveFromNY" )


friday Friday FRIDAY

Useful Duck limits his carbon footprint.
Useless Duck buys bigger boots.



Useful Duck jokes about enormous monoliths in Axum

Useful Duck's documentary on the Ethiopian architectural history is on.
Useless Duck is flipping channels looking for boobs and/or slasher flicks.



Where you live determines which of these characters you recognize from t-shirts. Bzerkeley=all of them.

Maniuplative Stalinist Ducks have made poor, deluded Useful Duck into their propagandist tool.
Useless Duck, "working" in Stalinist Ducks' DMV, receives some of the broadcasts.

(Tooling for BostonCream3.14159...)


Is this racist, sizist humour? I say no, because I don't think you think it's funny.

Useful Duck can greet you in >10 languages.
Useless Duck laughs at foreigners.


Spring Cleaning means different things to different people

Useful Duck sweeps the sidewalk.
Useless Duck sweeps his filth under the rug.


Reshuffling content is practically like updating.

Useful Duck knows the difference between channel locks and vice grips.
Useless Duck is offended when you ask for dikes.


By the time my ass gets up it's already halfway done.

Useful Duck preheats his oven to make perfect pies.
Useless Duck thinks gasoline and lighter fluid are interchangeable.


Making up for last weekend's absence!

Useful Duck clips coupons.
Useless Duck saves news articles on Hasselhoff.


True to life ducks are almost always useless.

Useful Duck purchases fresh fruit and vegetables daily toward his daily goal to "strive for five".
Useless Duck spent last week vomiting because he ate the questionable foodstuffs in the fridge after the blackout.

(There are some who call me...Technicolour Yanni)


Citations are not enough.

Useful Duck always says "please" and "thank you."
Useless Duck shouldn't be quoted.
(Live, from W8n4GDoe)


My, these seas are certainly heaving...

Useful Duck knows the Dewey Decimal System.
Useless Duck reads Danielle Steele.

(By way of "2_4_Da_Munny")


Don't run away: it's only me!

Useful Duck RSVPs to every invitation.
Useless Duck thinks private parties mean "no pants."


Gearing up to get back on the highway

Motorists drive on the tunnel road paved by Useful Duck
Too bad they don't know the massive concrete slabs in the ceiling above were designed by Useless Duck.



Summertime and the Living is Easy

Useful Duck teaches youngsters how to swim.
Useless Duck pretends to drown so he can make it with the lifeguard.

(From "Boysters&Muscles")


Useless Duck taking the weekend off

Useless Duck, after many many hours of wakefulness, passed out about an hour before his plane was to show up, and then woke up 20 minutes after it left.
Useful Duck went above and beyond the call of duty, getting Useless Duck to his destination a little later anyhow.

(Yeah, that's how it's been.)


MBTA's harbor express will get you started

Useful Duck supports public transportation initiatives.
Useless Duck draws moustaches on people who sleep on the bus.
( "SenileFelineS")


Hamburgers: the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

Useful Duck will haggle for you at a yard sale.
Useless Duck will haggle for you at McDonalds.

(Special thanks to "DaGuvenator")


Now is time for cake...

Useful Duck makes you a birthday cake.
Useless Duck comes to your party at the aquarium and tells the keeper to make the penguins stop "being intimate".



Oh...mercy mercy me.

Useful Duck gets your lady friend in the mood with his Marvin Gayesque vocals.
Useless Duck points out that 3 of 4 young persons has a "social disease".

(a choadalicious thought)



Everyday is like Sunday

Useful Duck will organize your photo album.
Useless Duck will hide cameras in your bathroom.

(From JumpinJax)


Saturday is never long enough

Useful Duck pitches fast to make the game more watchable.
Useless Duck can’t turn the double play due to the beer in his throwing hand.

(courtesy of the WADder)

Useful Duck helps Boy Scouts get their merit badges.
Useless Duck helps strippers get their pasties.

(From our good friend my-T-Fine)

Useful Duck will replace your lawnmower's spark plugs.
Useless Duck points out your hair plugs.

(Via satellite from RunawayTrain)


Thursday always comes too late, it's Fridays I'm in Lunch.

Useful duck knows when he's supposed to be on deck.
Useless duck giggles immaturely whenever he's in the hole.

Useful Duck adopts forsaken Chinese girl ducklings.
Useless Duck leaves eggs in front of abortion clinics.

(courtesy of chazadillyoffdaknilly)

Useful Duck has accurate and detailed medical advice.
Useless Duck gives you beer when you have stomach flu.

Useful Duck stocks up in case of an emergency.
Useless Duck saves spam to read on rainy days.
(By way of "TimBuck2")


Thursday Afternoon Salsa Hangunder.

Useful Duck cooks you dinner.
Useless Duck pours salt in your wounds.

(brought to you by uncle al the kiddie's pal)

Useful Duck saved a drowning child just a couple minutes ago
You can read all about it on Useless Duck's blog!


Useful Duck serves soup at the homeless shelter.
Useless Duck serves soup on the tennis court.
(Submitted by "LoveIsNotAFamilyValue")

Useful Duck is a good listener
Useless Duck is good at listening to his iPod

(courtesy of ducknoodlesoup)



Useful Duck fixes my internets.
Useless Duck and his many loud children annoy the crap out of other people on the bus.

Wednesday Morning

Useful Duck irons your clothes.
Useless Duck pops his collar.

(Via TheresYourAnswerFishbulb)

Useful Duck saves daddy the big piece of chicken.
Useless Duck wears clear stiletto heels.

(By way of EverybodylovesYourDad)

Useful Duck volunteers daily to help old ladies and young children cross the street.
Useless Duck volunteered as a nurse without indicating that he only approves of the use of windex and 'tussin
(Courtesy KnuckleslovesChris)

Useful duck makes you the perfect cocktail.
Useless Duck slows down cocktail waitresses with his less than honorable behaviour.

(Via Crazy Canooks)

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