Ducks

A July's Worth of Useless Ducks

2007-02-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

"Useless Ducks" was a project that began July 2006 and was shamefully abandoned by the end of 2006 (in order to work on somewhat more important things). Arguably the first month's content was the best of all, with the exception of the weird couple days obsessed with sloth sometime around labor day.

Here it is, again.

Useful Duck gets called "Sugar Tits" while just trying to do his job.
Useless Duck reads about it in "People".
(Via Sanjay)

Useful Duck gets a fire started and gets fish for his tribe.
Useless Duck was just included because he looks hot in a bikini.
(Thanks TheTribeHasSpoken)

Useful Duck campaigns for women's health issues.
Useless Duck has a "Free Breast Exams" hat.
(By SeriouslyYouGuys)

Useful Duck brings your slippers.
Useless Duck swallowed your paper.
(By ThatHappenedOnce!)

Useful Duck gives you helpful directions.
Useless Duck plays in traffic.
(via Corncakes)

Useful Duck shuts his beak while you design coversheets for your TPS reports.
Useless Duck 'kills the joe without making some mo'.
(via ClutchJunior)

Useful Duck promptly returns email.
Useless Duck takes up precious bandwidth watching fetish films.
(chizzizzzle is a sick sick man.)

Useful Duck employs his unlimited and farsighted intellect with the all important task of advancing understanding of the most important and critical pillars of scientific and technological advancement.
Useless Duck runs stop signs in front of police stations.
(Via Release and Charlotte)

Useful Duck always weighs the pros and cons.
Useless Duck tells time with a barometer.
(By the order of StopStalin)

Useful Duck limits his intake of LDLs.
Useless Duck broke the lamp trying to eat light.
(Thanks to 3Fecta)

Useful Duck reads Sun Tzu in the original Chinese.
Useless Duck surrendered to France.
(By way of ChopSticky)

Useful Duck plays checkers with the elderly.
Useless Duck loses at Clue against Alzheimer's patients.
(and this just in from Xanadon't)

Useful Duck brings a second umbrella for his date.
Useless Duck TiVos the weather channel.
(Fresh from the presses of Maid4TeeVee)

When Useful Duck mops the floor, you can eat off it.
When Useless Duck does the laundry, your underwear turns grey.
(from JBamberIsNotGay)

Useful Duck marks up his screenplay to include Robert Altman's criticisms.
Useless Duck has stolen set pieces from multiple Farelly brothers movies.
(Via Please.at.least.refer.to.three.movies)

Useful Duck's architecture firm engineers the aesthetic of quaint downtowns, particularly ones full of play areas and green spaces, within very short and easy walks of pleasant and energy-efficient homes.
Useless Duck is a 'barista' at a Starbucks in just such a town.
(from AaronCmakesTurdSandwichlooklikeaTalkingDouche)

Useful Duck 's souffle rises in a perfect crown.
Useless Duck forgot to add the frozen peas to the Ramen.
(Via BerzerkeleyFoodie)

Useful Duck loves America.
Useless Duck injects Floyd Landis with dope.
(by way of Chaknuckles)

Useful Duck checks the oil level whenever he fills the tank.
Useless Duck locked himself out with the engine running again.
(For 2White2BHip)

Useful Duck just renewed his CPR license.
Useless Duck just got rejected at yet another reality show.
(From the email of K.A.S)

Useful Duck appreciates Bartok's strange tonality, but can "duck walk" with Chuck Berry.
Oops, Useless Duck did it again!
(By way of JazzDaddy)

Useful Duck home-runs or runs home.
Useless Duck hits'em right back at the pitcher.
(Submitted by senoritasorrysack)

Useful Duck always has le mot juste.
Useless Duck comes up with a zinger 3 days later but is too chicken to hit 'Send'.
(Thanks to Sanjay)

Useful Duck complies with OSHA regulations.
Useless Duck thinks Anime is child-friendly.
(From the desk of The Quantum Hedgehog)

Useful Duck helps with yard work.
Useless Duck eats all your easter candy.
(By way of Sellon)

Useful Duck teaches little ducklings not to drink alcohol.
Useless Duck just pissed his feathers.
(By way of DuckAfficionado)

Useful Duck can make a creme brulee.
Useless Duck paints himself into corners.
(by way of TiarFruck)

Useful Duck Buys his spouse flowers.
Useless Duck forgot the safe word.
(by way of LipsNHips47)

Useful Duck eats munchkins out of the hands of toddlers.
Useless Duck attacks puppies being walked.
(By way of Asheen)

Useful Duck bought you Poison tickets.
Useless Duck forgot the anti-venom.
(Courtesy of Dr_Hyde)

Useful Duck put fresh batteries in the remote.
Useless Duck unplugged Grandma's respirator.
(Demanded by LazySnoozan)

Useful Duck minds his Ps&Qs.
Useless Duck just puked in your fridge.
(courtesy ScottD)

Useful Duck writes his congressman about policy.
Useless Duck teaches haemophiliacs to shave.
(by suggestion of GwarTheWin)

Useful Duck makes a mean cup of coffee.
Useless Duck is incapable of taking dictation.
(courtesy AtticusFinch)

Useful Duck eats things that will make him delicious.
Useless Duck is afraid of drowning.
(a suggestion of Dirty Dan and Giggles)

Useful Duck does tricks for food.
Useless Duck isn't hungry, but will poop everywhere.
(a suggestion of puppykicker007)

Useful Duck will help you with your taxes.
Useless Duck left your baby in the car.
(by request for Jailbait2006)

Useful Duck teaches orphans how to read.
Useless Duck can't even catch.
(a suggestion of RDL)

Suddenly I See.

2006-11-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

The worst thing I've ever noticed. Also, nut free.

I meant to have these done before now

2006-11-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

Keeps abreast of pop-culture to be capable of small talk beyond inanities of weather and health. Keeps a breast in a bag just in case someone asks him to feed her baby.

Useful Duck is a courteous and prompt bus driver.
Useless Duck hits or hits on old lady passengers.

Useful Duck can turn a few balloons into a 19th century carousel.
Useless Duck was banned from all kids' parties after what became known as 'The Unfortunate Poodle Incident'.

Useful Duck is making sexual advances towards his underage Congressional Page, Useless Duck, over the Internet. If Useless Duck doesn't keep his mouth shut and play along, then the terrorists have won.

Intentions are useless.
Images forthcoming.

Why the muscles in my hands are all tight.

2006-10-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

(Oh, come now, don't just assume I'd be crass)

Subsidiary projects get in the way of so many things.
Consider this an ocular suppository of "cute".

Ack, my eyes! Zee goggles do nothing!

(All references to tentacle porn shall be swiftly ignored.)

The Hamster is Not Dead

2006-10-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Just resting.

Keep sending stuff,
it'll go up likely in early November when the act gets back together.

Check out this monkey if you want to see a real consistant poster.

I once possessed a Whoopie ...cushion.

2006-10-11T01:05:00.001-07:00

Useful Duck visits friends even after death through a medium.
Useless Duck can't even pick up the phone!
(Sorry, B.E.K)

Back from a little break for a little while.

2006-10-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck covers his mouth when he coughs.
Useless Duck avenges his cousins, the spotted owls, by spreading Bird Flu.
(Don't vector your illnesses to me, kids)

Whatever, dude. Whatever.

2006-09-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck brims with witty comments for his blog.
"Oh, help me, woe is me!" whines Useless Duck. "I hope someone will send me material for my blog!"

(snarky sanjay, via the comments)

I'm just waiting on a friend

2006-09-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

The queue is empty.

Remember, this is submission driven content:
Submit ducks or this site will never update ever again.

And maybe that's a good thing.
...But won't you miss it?

Don't you miss me?

Be The Winner, Not The Weiner.

2006-09-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck is, for good reason, one of the most beloved staff members at the happy happy zoo.
Useless Duck is only allowed to keep pet rocks since the SPCA was called to deal with a "spider plant abuse situation".
(SangarManagement)

New Ducks Monday.
Keep sending suggestions because the queue is LOW!

(where LOW is my happy word for empty!!)

Prolonging the Agony

2006-09-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

(Oh, one more before the winner.)

Useful Duck is proud to show his mother how he came home from market
with a new milk cow WITHOUT spending a farthing;
Useless Duck can't wait to show his mother the trick with the magic beans.
(MusicalFruitRelatedHumorist)

A perfectionist I ain't

2006-09-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

but...I am pretty good about responding to criticism when I eventually find the time to do so.

Winner tomorrow?

To be continued

So much fuss over a letter...

2006-09-19T03:47:00.000-07:00

Number 2!

Useful Duck's latest artwork elicits gasps and stares of awe.
So did Useless Duck's...so the city had to call Useful Tern with his Sandblaster.
(MrZiff)

Welcome to the top 3 from our little contest

2006-09-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck is filling in for Useless Duck today.
Amazing how UselessDuck's birthday is always rescheduled to a Monday.
(without-J)

Noticing Torpedo Boobs and/or illogical behavior--> Comments Galore.

2006-09-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

A submission that is topical elsewhere and has consequently been handled with alacrity
(but I love reading the althouse too!)

Useful Duck can take data all night while reading the posts of the day at her favorite, millions-reaching, blog about
what one can't throw away, important and sad passings, the evils of spinach,
contemporary feminist bloggers being captured fawning over not-so-feminist ex-presidents whilst iconically posed,
and the surprising loveliness of the Madison regional area.

Useless Duck never heard of this blog before today;
was likely pointed this way by the owner of said contemporary feminist blog;
is there, is stupid-angry, is commenting, and is missing the point.
(2"NelsonM:HAha)

Whoops

2006-09-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the inconsistant updatery.
Useful Duck will do some kicking ass and taking names until Monday.
(Useless Duck will be hanging around at the CDA trying to get back his will to be publicly Ducktacular.)
Here is a picture I've stolen from Mariam:

Useful Duck's great^n grandfather was probably not a dinosaur with a mortarboard, but I can dream.

I spent my entire BART wait giggling at the concept of "Suspicious Packages"

2006-09-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

Contenders continued:

Useful Duck wouldn't dream about leaving his bag unattended.
Useless Duck reports all drag-queens to TSA-Agents.
(MarmEl-aide)

I could have done better

2006-09-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

and maybe this isn't in the best of taste...

Useful Duck is inspired by a crusading and entertaining TV personality
to dedicate his life to protecting wildlife and braving the unknown.
Useless Duck is inspired by a crusading and entertaining TV personality
to dangle infants near large, brainless carnivores.
(skrishna)

I said "FISH!" and he said "...try 'moth'." It was very confusing.

2006-09-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

Not really that good, but certainly a quick set of ducks:

Useful Duck is a good reminder of what a duck should look like.
Useless Duck is of no help to people with mild to severe cases of semantic dementia.
(by Fash+4ward)

Poor Ms Macabee. Can't keep a man. In her basement.

2006-09-10T00:39:00.000-07:00

Contenders Continued:

Useful Duck cleans old Ms. Macabee's guttering.
Useless Duck throws your frisbee on Ms. Macabee's roof.
(Seals4Fur)

Something before Seven point Five hours of SoulCrushing "Team Building"

2006-09-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck keeps 1 cent stamps in case you need one.
Useless Duck set up a spam server.
(Grollace&Wammet)

Friday Never Hesitates

2006-09-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

Another Contender:

Useful Duck always leaves things better than the way he found them.
Useless Duck hid your remote in the couch.
(NStanT)

Standing on the Edge of Summer

2006-09-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

Contenders:

Useful Duck's old vaudeville act was once so well loved such that he has become something of a historical footnote.
Uselesss Duck heard he died after eating PopRocks while drinking a Coke.
(SicTransitGloria)

Blinded...with Science!

2006-09-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

"Also Ran"s continued.

Useful Duck approximates pi^2 = 10.
Useless Duck pipettes by mouth*.
(thanks Ankur)

*without knowing how to do it safely. Unlike the old-school cowboy chemists.

The Contest will be decided at the end of the Day, PST.

2006-09-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Begin the "Also Ran"s:

Useful Duck finds solace in religion for the world's ills.
Useless Duck got ordained online by "The Church of Love".
(CultofPersonality)

A holiday for the rest of us. (Part IV)

2006-09-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

In honor of the holiday, we are again skimping on the duckage.

(Useful Duck is bringing the aluminum pole to your house. Useless Duck is on tinsel patrol.)

However, I did remember what is perhaps the best thing ever written about sloths the other day.

I've put it in the comments so as do diminish flow disruption.

I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!

Hey you gu-uys! (Part III)

2006-09-03T01:33:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck is off chillaxing with Cardinal Sloth-doubleprime*
Yes, I beat dead horses. No, I am not so good at taking the long weekend off from the business of Duck doodling.

Continue to send in content for Tuesday's contest for best entry.
*It's possible that you don't understand who Cardinal Sloth-doubleprime is
...unless you did first read the previous 2. And maybe the sidebar links.
Likewise, if you don't remember who Lotney Fratelli is, you might not have gotten this.

Shh, I know, it's only in my head.

2006-09-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck is "hanging around" elsewhere (behind Cardinal Sloth-prime* here)
Still probably taking the long weekend off from the business of Duck doodling. (<--Ohman, that looks kind of dirty!)
Continue to send in content for Tuesday's contest for best entry.
*It's possible that you don't understand who Cardinal Sloth-prime is unless you read yesterday's entry. Scroll down a little.
You might still not understand. And that's okay too.

Resist urge to make "entry" jokes.

2006-09-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck is taking a bit of a siesta (behind Cardinal Sloth here).
Maybe even taking the long weekend off from the business of Duck doodling.

Send in content for Tuesday: we'll have a contest for best entry.

80085! HAHAHA

2006-08-31T02:09:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck protests (outside Free Speech Zones) against stolen US elections.
Useless Duck votes by text message for the next American Idol.
(jim.collier)

I said, "Brr..., it's cold in here..."

2006-08-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

Useless Duck's office is too cold for him to type responses to the reviews of his paper on supersymmetric string theory.
Useful Duck to will fix the heating post-haste.
("DonJuanJ")

"Not I," said the doodling TV Addict.

2006-08-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

"Who will help me sow the wheat, reap the wheat, mill the grain,
knead the dough, and bake the bread?" asked Useful Duck.

"Not I!" said the secretary bird.
"Not I!" said the bonobo.
"Not I!" said the pangolin.
"Is that a 'good carb' or a 'bad carb'?" said Useless Duck.
(skrishna)

24 Hour Party People believe in Happy Mondays. And vice versa.

2006-08-27T23:35:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck's team can build a four-story, four star hotel in five days!
Fortunately, Useless Duck, the contractor, can keep them employed on site at least two months
--- and that's without help from inspector Useless Grebe, who issues permits for the city.
(ClickforAwesomeODetail, UselessGrebeFan!)

I wait all week to say sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

2006-08-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

You can use Useful Duck's beak to open beer bottles.
Useless Duck isn't even confortable to sit on.
(HookedonAttenboroughworkedforme)

Feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday Night

2006-08-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck donates to worthy causes.
Useless Duck buys 40's for the homeless.
("LiveFromNY" )

friday Friday FRIDAY

2006-08-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck limits his carbon footprint.
Useless Duck buys bigger boots.
(jim.collier)

Useful Duck jokes about enormous monoliths in Axum

2006-08-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck's documentary on the Ethiopian architectural history is on.
Useless Duck is flipping channels looking for boobs and/or slasher flicks.
(Seven10Splitless)

Where you live determines which of these characters you recognize from t-shirts. Bzerkeley=all of them.

2006-08-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

Maniuplative Stalinist Ducks have made poor, deluded Useful Duck into their propagandist tool.
Useless Duck, "working" in Stalinist Ducks' DMV, receives some of the broadcasts.
(Tooling for BostonCream3.14159...)

Is this racist, sizist humour? I say no, because I don't think you think it's funny.

2006-08-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck can greet you in >10 languages.
Useless Duck laughs at foreigners.
"[WTS]bot"

Spring Cleaning means different things to different people

2006-08-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck sweeps the sidewalk.
Useless Duck sweeps his filth under the rug.
("HootiNanny")

Reshuffling content is practically like updating.

2006-08-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck knows the difference between channel locks and vice grips.
Useless Duck is offended when you ask for dikes.
("Thr33")

By the time my ass gets up it's already halfway done.

2006-08-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck preheats his oven to make perfect pies.
Useless Duck thinks gasoline and lighter fluid are interchangeable.
("TrialNError")

Making up for last weekend's absence!

2006-08-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck clips coupons.
Useless Duck saves news articles on Hasselhoff.
("IBotoxdMyCat")

True to life ducks are almost always useless.

2006-08-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck purchases fresh fruit and vegetables daily toward his daily goal to "strive for five".
Useless Duck spent last week vomiting because he ate the questionable foodstuffs in the fridge after the blackout.
(There are some who call me...Technicolour Yanni)

Citations are not enough.

2006-08-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck always says "please" and "thank you."
Useless Duck shouldn't be quoted.
(Live, from W8n4GDoe)

My, these seas are certainly heaving...

2006-08-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck knows the Dewey Decimal System.
Useless Duck reads Danielle Steele.
(By way of "2_4_Da_Munny")

Don't run away: it's only me!

2006-08-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck RSVPs to every invitation.
Useless Duck thinks private parties mean "no pants."
("HubrisMaximus")

Gearing up to get back on the highway

2006-08-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Motorists drive on the tunnel road paved by Useful Duck
Too bad they don't know the massive concrete slabs in the ceiling above were designed by Useless Duck.
(MissplacedBeantowner)

Summertime and the Living is Easy

2006-08-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck teaches youngsters how to swim.
Useless Duck pretends to drown so he can make it with the lifeguard.
(From "Boysters&Muscles")

Useless Duck taking the weekend off

2006-08-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

Useless Duck, after many many hours of wakefulness, passed out about an hour before his plane was to show up, and then woke up 20 minutes after it left.
Useful Duck went above and beyond the call of duty, getting Useless Duck to his destination a little later anyhow.
(Yeah, that's how it's been.)

MBTA's harbor express will get you started

2006-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck supports public transportation initiatives.
Useless Duck draws moustaches on people who sleep on the bus.
( "SenileFelineS")

Hamburgers: the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

2006-08-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck will haggle for you at a yard sale.
Useless Duck will haggle for you at McDonalds.
(Special thanks to "DaGuvenator")

Now is time for cake...

2006-08-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck makes you a birthday cake.
Useless Duck comes to your party at the aquarium and tells the keeper to make the penguins stop "being intimate".
(Zanthesta)

Oh...mercy mercy me.

2006-08-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck gets your lady friend in the mood with his Marvin Gayesque vocals.
Useless Duck points out that 3 of 4 young persons has a "social disease".
(a choadalicious thought)

ALSO, I ALMOST CHOKED TO DEATH (LAUGHING) WHEN I SAW THIS SIDEBAR AD:

Everyday is like Sunday

2006-08-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck will organize your photo album.
Useless Duck will hide cameras in your bathroom.
(From JumpinJax)

Saturday is never long enough

2006-08-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck pitches fast to make the game more watchable.
Useless Duck can’t turn the double play due to the beer in his throwing hand.
(courtesy of the WADder)

Useful Duck helps Boy Scouts get their merit badges.
Useless Duck helps strippers get their pasties.
(From our good friend my-T-Fine)

Useful Duck will replace your lawnmower's spark plugs.
Useless Duck points out your hair plugs.
(Via satellite from RunawayTrain)

Thursday always comes too late, it's Fridays I'm in Lunch.

2006-08-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

Useful duck knows when he's supposed to be on deck.
Useless duck giggles immaturely whenever he's in the hole.
(Dylanne)

Useful Duck adopts forsaken Chinese girl ducklings.
Useless Duck leaves eggs in front of abortion clinics.
(courtesy of chazadillyoffdaknilly)

Useful Duck has accurate and detailed medical advice.
Useless Duck gives you beer when you have stomach flu.
(JustTheOvariesLeft)

Useful Duck stocks up in case of an emergency.
Useless Duck saves spam to read on rainy days.
(By way of "TimBuck2")

Thursday Afternoon Salsa Hangunder.

2006-08-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck cooks you dinner.
Useless Duck pours salt in your wounds.
(brought to you by uncle al the kiddie's pal)

Useful Duck saved a drowning child just a couple minutes ago
You can read all about it on Useless Duck's blog!
(Skrishna)

Useful Duck serves soup at the homeless shelter.
Useless Duck serves soup on the tennis court.
(Submitted by "LoveIsNotAFamilyValue")

Useful Duck is a good listener
Useless Duck is good at listening to his iPod
(courtesy of ducknoodlesoup)

DAN IS MY JUKEBOX HERO

2006-08-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck fixes my internets.
Useless Duck and his many loud children annoy the crap out of other people on the bus.
(Via DANISMYJUKEBOXHERO)

Wednesday Morning

2006-08-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Useful Duck irons your clothes.
Useless Duck pops his collar.
(Via TheresYourAnswerFishbulb)

Useful Duck saves daddy the big piece of chicken.
Useless Duck wears clear stiletto heels.
(By way of EverybodylovesYourDad)

Useful Duck volunteers daily to help old ladies and young children cross the street.
Useless Duck volunteered as a nurse without indicating that he only approves of the use of windex and 'tussin.
(Courtesy KnuckleslovesChris)

Useful duck makes you the perfect cocktail.
Useless Duck slows down cocktail waitresses with his less than honorable behaviour.
(Via Crazy Canooks)